"How ARE you?"

So far, my blog entries have been about my experiences in and observations of China. I really appreciate you keeping up with my journey! I quite enjoy all of your responses and comments. In follow-up, many of you have said, “How are you?” And I sincerely get where that question is coming from because, while I talk about what I’m doing and what I’m observing, I haven’t really commented on how I am actually doing. So, if you are interested…. Here I go.

I am doing OK. And I mean OK not in the sense of, yes, I’m OK, no problem. I mean OK in the sense of not fantastic but not horrible. Purely a description of feeling average. Some days are literally just that, average. And other times are a mixture of extreme highs and extreme lows, clearly averaging out to feeling just OK.

Being uprooted from my home, my job, my friends, my family, and everything that I know and feel comfortable with, has left me with a feeling of isolation. My first few days were good. I was excited and I felt like I was on a vacation, an adventure. But after the first week, it hit me (and hit me hard) that I wasn’t here for vacation. I wasn’t here for a few days. I was here. Really here. In China. By myself. Nothing is familiar and nothing comes easy.

Have you ever moved to a new job? It’s hard, right? You don’t know the office politics. You don’t know where anything is. And, you don’t know what you are doing.

Have you ever moved to a new city or your first day in college? You don’t know anybody. You don't know your way around. And, it doesn't feel like home.

Have you ever traveled to a foreign country? You don’t speak with language (and cant read the signs). You look different, so people stare at you. And, the culture is so different (yep, people are still farting and burping).

Have you ever left your family and friends behind and gone somewhere just by yourself? Nobody to explore with. Nobody to share the experience with. And, nobody to have dinner with (eating at a restaurant alone, over and over, gets old).

Now, imagine going through all of those experiences all at once. Really think about it: New job... New city... Foreign country... By myself...

That's a lot of change.

The job keeps me quite busy, which, while totally draining and all-consuming, distracts me. My apartment complex has a beautiful exercise facility so by the time I get home from work, and then home from the gym, its 9 or 10 pm. Most of the day already gone and not much time left to feel the isolation. So, the weekdays have been OK.

But, it’s the weekends (I’ve had 2 so far) when my emotions catch up with me. Its the weekends when I have the time and mental space to really think about how I am feeling. I want to point out that it is not for lack of plans or lack of being with other people. I actually feel quite lucky to have quickly met people to spend my weekend with. And, even though these new friends are so kind, being with new friends is just not the same as being with your old friends and family. There is still a piece of me that feels alone.

And so it’s the weekends when my mind catches up to my heart and I feel the loneliness and isolation. I think also, the fact that it has been pouring rain the past two weekends, also contributes to how I am feeling. It’s hard to go out and explore a new city in the rain. (Right now it is Friday evening, 70 degrees and sunny, so I’m hoping this weekend brings sun – both outside and within me).

So overall, I’m doing OK. It has been hard. I know someday (hopefully soon), I will look back and be so appreciative to have had this experience. However, I have to say that right now, I am looking forward to Aaron getting here. It will be nice to have one of my people (my top person!) here with me to share this experience with. To explore with. To talk to. To figure this place out with. And, most importantly, to sit quietly together with and just know that I have someone to lean on if I need to lean.